Shadow Kiss Chapter 20

TwentyLets splatter near your m separate.I sighed. What somewhat her?It was my first day of counseling, and so far, I wasnt impressed. tolerate nights Mason sighting was probably virtu anyy issue I should need brought up justly a telephone line. tho I didnt want school asideicials to have any more spring to pretend I was losing my mind raze if I was.And honestly, I didnt issue I was for sure. Adrians analysis of my aura and the story of Anna certainly lent credence to me world on the road to Crazyville. Yet I didnt tint crazy. Did crazy people know if they re t expose(a) ensembley were? Adrian had express they didnt. Crazy itself was a weird term. Id learned decorous about psychology to know that it was also a very broad classification. Most forms of mental illness were actu entirelyy very specific and had select symptoms anxiety, depression, mode swings, etc. I didnt know where I sink on that scale, if I did at all.How do you feel about her? continued the coun selor. About your mother?That shes a great guardian and a so-so mother.The counselor, whose name was Deirdre, wrote something in her nonebook. She was blond and Moroi-slim, clad in a teal cashmere sweater dress. She actually didnt look often older than me, but certificates on her desk swore she had all sorts of degrees in psychotherapy. Her office was in the administrative building, the same place the headmistresss office was, and where all other sorts of honorary society credit line was conducted. Id descriptor of been hoping for a couch to lie on, interchangeable therapists always had on TV, but the best I had was a chair. It was a comfy chair, at least. The walls were cover in nature pictures, things like butterflies and daffodils. I guess they were supposed to be soothing.Do you want to elaborate on so-so? Deirdre asked.Its an upgrade. A month ago I would have said horrible. Whats this have to do with Mason?Do you want to talk about Mason?Id noniced she had a habit of ans wering my questions with questions.I dont know, I admitted. I guess thats what Im here for.How do you feel about him? About his death?Sad. How else should I feel?Angry?I thought about the Strigoi, their leering faces and casual attitudes toward killing. Yeah, a little.Guilty?Sure, of course.Why of course?Because its my fault he was thither. Id upset himand he had this thing to prove. I told him where the Strigoi were, and I wasnt supposed to. If he hadnt cognize about them, he wouldnt have done it. Hed still be alive.You dont think he was responsible for his own actions? That he was the one who chose to do that?Well yeah. I guess he did. I didnt hasten him do it.Any other reason you strength feel guilty?I looked away from her and focused on a picture of a ladybug. He liked me like romantically. We kind of dated, but I couldnt get into it. That hurt him.Why couldnt you get into it?I dont know, I said. The image of his body, lying on the floor, flashed into my mind and I shoved it away. No way would I cry in front of Deirdre. Thats the thing. I should have. He was nice. He was funny. We got on really well but it just didnt feel right. Even kissing or anything like that I eventually just couldnt do it.Do you feel like you have a problem with intimate contact?What do you ? Oh. No Of course not.Have you ever had sex with anyone?No. Are you express I should have?Do you think you should have?Damn. Id thought I had her. Id thought for sure she wouldnt have a question for that one. Mason wasnt the right person.Is in that respect someone else? Someone you think might be the right person?I hesitated. Id lost track of how this related to me seeing ghosts. According to some paperwork Id signed, everything we said in here was confidential. She couldnt tell anyone unless I was a danger to myself or doing something illegal. I wasnt entirely sure where a relationship with an older man fell there.Yeahbut I cant tell you who he is.How long have you known him?Almost six months.Do you feel close?Yeah, sure. But were not How exactly did one describe this? Were not actually really involved. Hes kind of untouchable. She could think what she wanted about that, like that maybe I was interested in a guy with a girlfriend.Is he the reason you couldnt get close to Mason?Yes.And is he holding you back from dating someone else?Well hes not like purposely doing anything.But as long as you care about him, youre not interested in anyone else?Right. But it doesnt matter. I probably shouldnt even be dating anyone at all.Why not?Because theres no time. Im training to be a guardian. I have to give all my attention to Lissa.And you dont think you can do that and be romantically involved with someone?I shook my head. No. I have to be willing to lay dispirited my life for hers. I cant be distracted by someone else. We have this give tongue to with the guardians They come first. You guys. Moroi.And so you figure youll always have to put Lissas call for ahead of you rs?Of course. I frowned. What else would I do? Im deprivation to be her guardian.How does that make you feel? Giving up what you want for her?Shes my best friend. And shes the put out of her family.Thats not what I asked.Yeah, but I stopped. Hey, you didnt ask a question.You think I always ask questions?Never mind. Look, I make love Lissa. Im happy to spend my life protect her. End of story. Besides, are you, a Moroi, spillage to tell me, a dhampir, that I shouldnt be putting Moroi first? You know how the system works.I do, she said. But Im not here to analyze it. Im here to protagonist you get better.Seems like you might not be able to do one without the other.Deirdres lips quirked into a smile, and then her eyeball flicked to the clock. Were out of time today. Well have to pick this up next time.I crossed my arms over my chest. I thought youd be giving me some kind of awesome advice or telling me what to do. But you just kept making me talk.She laughed softly. Therapy isn t so much about what I think as you do. w thus why do it at all?Because we dont always know what it is were thinking or feeling. When you have a guide, its easier to figure things out. Youll often discover that you already know what to do. I can help you ask questions and go places you might not have on your own.Well, youre good at the question part, I noted dryly. while I dont have any awesome advice, I do have some things I want you to think about for when we talk again. She glanced gobble up at her notepad and tapped it with her pencil while she thought. First, I want you to think again about what I asked about Lissa how you really feel about dedicating your life to her.I already told you.I know. Just think about it some more. If your answers the same, thats fine. Then, I want you to consider something else. I want you to think about whether maybe the reason youre attracted to this unavailable guy is because hes unavailable.Thats crazy. That doesnt make any sense.Is it? You jus t told me that you cant ever be involved with anyone. Do you think its possible that wanting someone you cant have is your subconscious minds way of coping? If its impossible for you to have him, then you never have to confront feeling conflicted about Lissa. Youll never have to choose.This is confusing, I grumb guide.Its supposed to be. Thats why Im here.Whats this have to do with Mason?It has to do with you, Rose. Thats whats important.I left therapy feeling like my brain had melted. I also kind of felt like Id been on trial. If Deirdre had been there to grill Victor, they probably would have finished up in half the time.I also thought Deirdre had totally been going in the wrong direction. Of course I didnt resent Lissa. And the thought that Id fallen for Dimitri because I couldnt have him was ridiculous. Id never even thought of the conflict with guarding until hed mentioned it. Id fallen for him because well, because he was Dimitri. Because he was sweet, strong, funny, fierce, and gorgeous. Because he mute me.And yet, as I walked back to the commons, I found her question spinning around in my brain. I might not have been thinking about a relationship distracting us in our guard duties, but Id certainly known from the start out that his age and job were huge barriers. Could that have really vie a part? Had some piece of me known we could never really have anything thus allowing me to always stay dedicated to Lissa?No, I decided firmly. That was ridiculous. Deirdre might be good at asking questions, but she was clearly asking the wrong ones.RoseI looked to my right and cut Adrian cutting crossways the lawn toward me, unaware to the slushs effects on his designer shoes.Did you just call me Rose? I asked. And not little dhampir? I dont think thats ever happened.It happens all the time, he countered, catch up to me.We stepped inner(a) the commons. School was in session, so the halls were empty.Wheres your better half? he asked.Christian?No, Lissa. You can tell where she is, right?Yeah, I can tell because its last period, and shes in class like everyone else. You find forgetting that for the rest of us, this is a school.He looked disappointed. I found more case files I wanted to talk to her about. more than super- essential stuff.Whoa, youve been doing something productive? Im impressed.Youre one to talk, he said. Especially considering your whole existence here revolves around beating people up. You dhampirs are uncivilized but then, thats why we love you.Actually, I mused, we arent the just ones doing beatings lately. Id nearly forgotten about my royal charge club mystery. There were so many things I had to worry about lately. It was like trying to hold water in my hold. It was a long shot, but I had to ask him. Does the word Man? mean anything to you?He leaned against the wall and reached for his cigarettes. Sure.Youre inside the school, I warned.What oh, right. With a sigh, he put the pack back in his coat. Dont half o f you study Romanian here? It means hand.I study face here. Hand. That didnt make any sense.Why the interest in translation?I dont know. I think I got it wrong. I thought it had some connection to this thing thats been going on with these royals.Recognition flashed in his eyeball. Oh Lord. Not that. Are they really doing it here too?Doing what?The Man?. The Hand. Its this stupid secret society that pops up at schools. We had a chapter of it back at Alder. Its mostly a bunch of royals getting together and having secret meetings to talk about how much better they are than everyone else.Thats it then, I said. The pieces clicked together. Thats Jesse and Ralfs little conference the one they tried to get Christian to join. Thats what this Man? is.Him? Adrian laughed. They mustiness have been desperate and I dont mean that as a cock against Christian. Hes just not really the type to get into that kind of thing.Yeah, well, he turned them down pretty hard. Whats the point of this sec ret society exactly?He shrugged. The same as any other. Its a way to make people feel better about themselves. Everyone likes feeling special. Being part of an elite group is a way to do that.But you werent part of it?No need. I already know Im special.Jesse and Ralf made it sound like royals had to stick together because of all the controversies that are going on about fighting and guardians and all that. They made it sound like they could do something about it.Not at this age, said Adrian. loosely all they can do is talk. When they get older, Man? members sometimes cut deals for each other and still have secret meetings.Thats it then? Theyre just hang out and talking to hear themselves talk?He turned contemplative. Well, yes, of course theyre doing lots of that. But I mean, whenever these little chapters form, theres usually something specific they want to do in secret. Each groups kind of different that way, so this ones probably got some plan or scheme or whatever. A plan or scheme. I didnt like the sound of that. Especially with Jesse and Ralf.You know a lot for someone who wasnt in it.My dad was. He never talks much about it hence the secret part but I picked up things, and then I hear about it while I was at school.I leaned against the wall. The clock across the hall told me classes were almost over. Did you hear anything about them beating up people? There are at least four Moroi I know of who were attacked. And they wont talk about it.Who? Like non-royals?No. Other royals.That doesnt make any sense. The whole point of it is for elite royals to band together to protect themselves from change. Unless, perhaps, theyre going after royals who lour or are supporting non-royals.Maybe. But one of them was Jesses brother, and Jesse seems to be a founding member. Seems like hed have to make the cut. And they didnt do anything when Christian refused.Adrian spread his hands wide. Even I dont know everything, and like I said, this ones probably got its own little agenda theyre moderateing hidden. I sighed in frustration, and he gave me a strange look. Why do you care so much?Because it isnt right. The people I saw were in bad shape. If some groups going around and ganging up on victims, they need to be stopped,Adrian laughed and played with a strand of my hair. You cant save everyone, though God knows you try.I just want to do whats right. I remembered Dimitris comments about Westerns and couldnt help a small smile. I need to bring justice where its needed.The crazy thing, little dhampir, is that you mean that. I can tell by your aura.What, are you saying its not black anymore?Nostill dark, definitely. But its got a little light in it, streaks of gold. Like sunlight.Maybe your theory about me catching it from Lissa is wrong then. Id been trying very hard not to think about last night, when Id learned about Anna. Mentioning it now stirred up all those fears all over again. Insanity. Suicide.Depends, he said. When was the last time yo u saw her?I gave him a light punch. You have no clue, do you? Youre making this up as you go along.He caught my wrist and pulled me closer. Isnt that the way you normally operate?I grinned in spite of myself. This close to him I could appreciate just how lovely the green of his eyes was. In fact, despite continually making fun of him, I couldnt deny that the rest of him was pretty good-looking too. His fingers were warm on my wrist, and there was something kind of horny about the way he held it. Thinking back to Deirdres words, I tried to assess how it all made me feel. The queens warnings aside, Adrian was a guy who was technically available. Was I attracted to him? Did I get a thrill out of this?The answer no. Not in the same way I did with Dimitri. Adrian was sexy in his way, but he didnt drive me wild the way Dimitri did. Was it because Adrian was so readily available? Was Deirdre right about me purposely wanting relationships that were impossible?You know, he said, interruptin g my thoughts, under any other circumstances, this would be hot. Instead, youre looking at me like Im some kind of science fair project.That was exactly how I was treating this, actually. Why dont you ever use compulsion on me? I asked. And I dont mean just to stop me from getting in fights.Because half the fun of you is that youre so difficult.A new idea supervenered to me. Do it.Do what?Use compulsion on me.What? It was another of those rare shocked Adrian moments.Use compulsion to make me want to kiss you except you have to promise not to actually kiss me.Thats pretty weird and when I say somethings weird, you know its serious.Please.He sighed and then focused his eyes right on me. It was like drowning, drowning in seas of green. There was nothing in the world except for those eyes.I want to kiss you, Rose, he said softly. And I want you to want me too.Every verbalism of his body his lips, his hands, his scent suddenly overpowered me. I felt warm all over. I wanted him to kiss me with every ounce of my being. There was nothing in life I wanted more than that kiss. I tilted my face up toward his, and he leaned down. I could practically taste his lips.Do you want to? he asked, voice still like velvet. Do you want to kiss me?Did I ever. Everything around me had blurred. Only his lips were in focus.Yes, I said. His face moved closer, his mouth only a breath away from mine. We were so, so close, and then He stopped. Were done, he said, stepping back.I snapped out of it instantly. The dreamy haze was gone, as was the yearning in my body. But Id discovered something. Under compulsion, I had definitely wanted him to kiss me. Yet even under compulsion, it hadnt been the electric, all-encompassing feeling I had when I was with Dimitri, that feeling that we were practically the same person and were bound by forces bigger than both of us. With Adrian, it had simply been mechanical.Deirdre had been wrong. If my attraction to Dimitri was just some subconscious rea ction, then it should have been as piddling as that forced attraction to Adrian. Yet they were completely different. With Dimitri, it was love not just some trick my mind was playing on me.Hmm, I said.Hmm? asked Adrian, eyeing me with amusement.Hmm.The 3rd hmm hadnt come from either of us. I looked across the hall and saw Christian watching us. I separated from Adrian, just as the bell rang. The sounds of students pouring out of classrooms rumbled through the hallway.Now I can see Lissa, said Adrian happily.Rose, will you come with me to the alimenters? asked Christian. He spoke in a flat tone, and his expression was unreadable.Im not guarding you today.Yeah, well, I miss your charming company.I told Adrian goodbye and cut through the cafeteria with Christian. Whats up? I asked.You tell me, he said. You were the one about ready to start making out with Adrian.It was an experiment, I said. It was part of my therapy.What the hell kind of therapy are you in?We reached the feeders r oom. Somehow, despite him getting out of class early, there were still a few people ahead of us in line.Why do you care? I asked him. You should be happy. It means he isnt moving in on Lissa.He could be moving in on both of you.What are you, my big brother now?Annoyed, he said. Thats what I am.I looked beyond him and saw Jesse and Ralf enter. Well, keep it to yourself, or our good friends will overhear.Jesse, however, was too busy to hear, because he was arguing with the feeding coordinator. I dont have time to wait, he told her. Ive got to be somewhere.She pointed to us and the others in line. These people are ahead of you.Jesse met her eyes and smiled. You can make an exception this time.Yeah, hes in a hurry, added Ralf in a voice Id never heard him use before. It was smooth and less grating than usual. Just write his name down at the top of the list.The coordinator looked like she was going to tell them off, but then a funny, distracted look came over her face. She glanced at her clipboard and wrote something. A few seconds after she looked away, her head jerked up again, eyes sharp once more. She frowned.What was I doing?You were sign language me up, said Jesse. He pointed at the board. See?She looked down, startled. Why is your name first? Didnt you just get here?We were here earlier and checked in. You told us it was okay.She looked down again, clearly puzzled. She didnt remember them coming earlier because they hadnt but she apparently couldnt figure out why Jesses name was at the top now. A moment later, she shrugged and must have decided it wasnt worth overthinking. Stand with the others, and Ill call you next.As soon as Jesse and Ralf came near us, I turned on them. You just used compulsion on her, I hissed.Jesse looked panicked for a fraction of a second then his normal swagger took over. Whatever. I just convinced her, thats all. What, are you going to try to tell on me or something?Nothing to tell, scoffed Christian. That was the worst compulsio n Ive ever seen.Like youve seen compulsion, said Ralf.Plenty, said Christian. From people prettier than you. Of course, maybe thats part of why yours isnt as good.Ralf seemed highly offended at not being considered pretty, but Jesse just nudged him and started to turn away. Forget him. He had his chance.His chance at I remembered how Brandon had seek weak compulsion when trying to convince me his bruises were nothing. Jill had said that Brett Ozera actually had convinced a teacher that his were nothing. The teacher had dropped the matter, much to Jills surprise. Brett must have used compulsion. Lightbulbs went off in different parts of my brain. The connections were all around me. The problem was, I couldnt untangle the wires quite yet. Thats what this is about, isnt it? Your stupid Man? and its need to beat up on people. Its got something to do with compulsion.I didnt understand how it all fit together, but the surprised look on Jesses face told me I was on to something, even th ough he said, You dont know what youre talking about.I pushed forward, hoping some blind hits would make him mad and say something he wasnt supposed to. Whats the point? Does it give you guys some kind of power trip to do these little tricks? Thats all they are, you know. You seriously dont know the first thing about compulsion. Ive seen compulsion that would make you do handstands and throw yourself out a window.Were learning more than you can even imagine, said Jesse. And when I find out who told He didnt get a chance to finish his nemesis because he was called over to the feeder just then. He and Ralf stalked away, and Christian immediately turned to me.Whats going on? Whats a ManI gave him a hasty recap of Adrians explanation. Thats what they wanted you to join. They must secretly be practicing compulsion. Adrian said these groups are always royals who have some plan to change and control things in dangerous times. They must think compulsion is the answer its what they meant when they told you they had ways to help you get what you wanted. If they knew how crappy your compulsion was, they probably wouldnt have asked.He scowled, not liking me reminding him of the one time hed attempted and failed to compel someone at the ski lodge. So wheres the beating-people-up part come in?Thats the mystery, I said. Christian was summoned over to feed just then, and I put my theories on hold until I could get more info and take action. I noticed which feeder we were being led to. Is that Alice again? How do you always get her? Do you request her?No, but I think some people specifically un-request her.Alice was happy to see us, as always. Rose. Are you still keeping us safe?I will if theyll let me, I told her.Dont be too hasty, she warned. Conserve your strength. If youre too eager to fight the undead, you may find yourselves joining them. Then youd never see us again, and wed be very sad.Yes, said Christian. Id cry into my pillow every night.I resisted the exalt t o kick him. Well, I couldnt visit if I was Strigoi, yeah, but hopefully Id just die a normal death. Then I could come see you as a ghost.How sad, I thought, that I was now making jokes about the very thing that was freaking me out lately. Alice found no amusement in it whatsoever. She shook her head.No, you wouldnt. The wards would keep you out.The wards only keep Strigoi out, I reminded her gently.A defiant look replaced her scattered one. The wards keep anything that isnt alive out. Dead or undead.Now youve done it, said Christian.The wards dont keep ghosts out, I said. Ive seen them.Considering Alices own instability, I didnt mind discussing mine with her. In fact, it was kind of refreshing to talk about this stuff with someone who wouldnt judge me. Indeed, she treated this as a perfectly normal conversation. If youve seen ghosts, then were not safe anymore.I told you last time, the securitys too good.Maybe someone made a mistake, she argued, sounding signally coherent. Maybe so meone missed something. Wards are made of magic. Magic is alive. Ghosts cant cross them for the same reason as Strigoi. They arent alive. If you saw a ghost, the wards have failed. She paused. Or youre crazy.Christian laughed out loud. There you go, Rose. Straight from the source. I shot him a glare. He smiled at Alice. In Roses defense, though, I think shes right about the wards. The school checks them all the time. The only place guarded better than here is the Royal butterfly, and both places are overflowing with guardians. Stop being so paranoid. He fed, and I glanced away. I should have known better than to listen to Alice. She was hardly a reputable source of information, even if shed been around for a while. And yet her weird logic did make sense. If wards kept Strigoi out, why not ghosts? True, Strigoi were the dead who had come back to walk the earth, but her point was sound All of them were dead. But Christian and I were right too The wards around the school were solid. I t took a lot of power to lay wards. Not every Moroi home could have them, but places like schools and the Royal Court had theirs maintained diligently. The Royal CourtId had no ghostly encounters whatsoever while we there, yet that had been incredibly stressful. If my sightings were stress-induced, wouldnt the Court and encounters with Victor and the queen have provided great opportunities for them to occur? The fact that Id seen nothing seemed to negate the PTSD theory. I hadnt seen ghosts until wed landed at the Martinville airport.Which didnt have wards.I nearly gasped. The Court had strong wards. Id seen no ghosts. The airport, which was part of the valet world, had no wards. Id been bombarded with ghosts there. Id also seen flashes of them on the plane which was unwarded when we were in the air.I looked over at Alice and Christian. They were just about finished. Could she be right? Did wards keep out ghosts? And if so, what was going on with the school? If the wards were inta ct, I should see nothing just like at Court. If the wards were broken, I should be overrun just like at the airport. Instead, the Academy was somewhere in the middle. I had sightings only occasionally. It didnt make sense.The only thing I knew for sure was that if something was wrong with the schools wards, then I wasnt the only one in danger.